The question of how to be a domme and how to do domme work crops up a lot in the panty selling industry. Mainly because it’s the kind of thing panty sellers go on to offering amongst their services.
This is certainly not my zone of genius so today I have a guest blog from the hosts of The Deadly Sins Podcast to answer your questions on how to be an amazing domme.
1) What made you start the podcast?
A&M: Because we are friends in our vanilla life, we would talk (and bitch) about different aspects of the SWer (sex worker) world. After sharing endless stories, asking for pieces of advice, and overall having fun discussing all these things together, we figured perhaps other people could benefit from hearing OUR side. Aislynn and I did some research, and found that having a podcast in this particular niche was lacking, and figured we could provide useful insight, as well as having fun creating content for SWers, lurkers (and ourselves!) to enjoy.
2) What has the response been so far?
A&M: It has been overwhelmingly positive! Considering how new we are as a podcast, as well as venturers into the Twitter community, this has been a great platform to share relatable moments, stories, concerns, and questions to ponder and discuss. It is always so lovely to check our notifications and find out that people are not only listening to our podcast, but are enjoying it and getting something out of it too! This worldwide outreach has surpassed both of our expectations of what this could be, and we are genuinely excited to see where it continues to go!
3) What is the biggest challenge for sellers wanting to get into Dom/me work?
M: I think there is often a misconception of the expectations versus reality on this platform and service. SW is not a “get rich quick” scheme, nor is it an easy way to make a quick buck. Ultimately, this world is a marathon, not a sprint, and it can often be quite discouraging from the start when business doesn’t pick up immediately. These things can gradually lead into discouragement, burn out, and fatigue, and it is important to be authentic AND realistic with what you can accomplish.
A: Personally, I believe the biggest misconception about findom and domming itself is that mindset of a “quick money making” scheme. Similar to Marina, this is a marathon and many SWers get caught up in the idea of financial gain they forget the ethics of domming. Making sure you are learning how to properly dom/me is the hardest part about this. If you have zero experience and zero idea of how to keep a sub safe, the potential for harm increases drastically. With that said, I’d recommend to any person contemplating this area of SW to DO YOUR HOMEWORK first beforehand. Don’t let your eagerness override the safety for others.
4) What would you say to someone who is too sub to dom/me?
A: In my vanilla life, I am 100% a sub. So with findom and femdomme, I identify as a nurturing domme. I incorporate aspects of who I am into my domming. If I were to put on airs that I am this aggressive bratty dominatrix, that wouldn’t be true. Not to mention it would be hella exhausting to pretend to be that person. With that said, if you feel that you’re a submissive, don’t force yourself to be a domme if it goes against who you are. There are plenty of ways to make money and be a sub! Embrace that part of you.
M: That’s a good question. Honestly, everyone has to find their groove and their stride in this work. I do believe that everyone is capable of being a dom/me to some extent, however it varies from person to person on what that looks like. We are all on a pendulum swinging from various sides of our personality. For example, I mentioned in an episode that the “customer service” voice (if you’ve worked with people before, you know what I mean) is too hard to be completely faked, as it comes across inauthentic. It is important to find ways to bring the YOU into all aspects of what you do, even outside of SW. Reflect on aspects and characteristics of yourself that are accentuated when you feel most confident, and don’t be afraid to explore what that looks like!
5) What personality traits help when it comes to domming? Is domming for everyone?
M: It takes a lot of confidence and faking it until you make it when first exploring your dom/me persona. It is okay to make mistakes, stumble, and make changes to find your groove. From my experience, I view myself in my persona as a Queen. Queens (to me) embody all things perfection, confidence, and ease, however, it took a long time for me to feel that way on the other side of that screen. Be patient with yourself, and do your best to stand by everything you do and say, even if you decide it isn’t the right fit later on. In regards to whether or not domming is for everyone, my answer is no. In my opinion, I think everyone CAN be a dom/me, put on a persona, and act the part, but to be successful I truly believe it is too hard to do that without having some level of authenticity to who you are portraying. Acting is a great way to get yourself off the ground, but if the faking it never goes away, domming is probably not for you. To avoid that, do some research, find some dom/mes you admire, and don’t be afraid to reach out and ask questions to those who have been doing this for a long time and inspire you.
A: I would argue, no. Domming is not for everyone. Just like SW isn’t for everyone. There is a certain resilience that is needed in this line of work. There is a standard of ethics that needs to be applied. And not everyone is prepared or even WANTS to do the hard work that’s involved with that. I touched on this in the previous question, but this is not a get-rich-quick scheme. This involves a lot of work, research and understanding. With that said, I don’t believe there’s a specific “personality” trait that is most successful in dom/me work. I definitely believe that you have to have some sort of dominating personality, yes. But how you show that can be DRASTICALLY different than how someone else doms.
6) What do you love about being a domme?
M: Honestly, there are so many aspects I love. Being a domme does truly make me feel empowered with what I do, and I really do enjoy the dynamic of having a domme/sub relationship with my clients. It can be so rewarding to invest that time and energy to get to know them and in some cases have a nice friendship of sorts with my clients. More specific to me and my personal boundaries, I really appreciate the fact that I am not pressured to do pornographic videos, nude photos, or show full face; something I have struggled with on other platforms that I have been on. As a domme, the expectation is that the sub does not have an expectation for what they get in return for their submission, and it is downright disrespectful to request such content that crosses my boundaries, which is something I didn’t give thought to before until I started domme services more seriously.
A: I’d say I love 98% of domming! It’s given me the empowerment to flaunt what I believe are my imperfections. Not to mention, the relationships I build with both my subs AND the dommes/SWers in the community. They are the ones that make this so successful in my opinion. I love findom especially because the ability to realize who time-wasters are is a much quicker process than most other platforms I’ve been on. Immersing myself into the domming world has been such a positive experience. I’m able to be me, choose what to sell (whereas in other areas I felt the pressure to sell more nudity), how to sell and if you don’t appreciate it, I can tell them to fuck right off.
7) How has it differed from your experience selling panties?
M: I would definitely say that selling panties is an easier gig and here is why: Dom/me, specifically FinDom/me is selling an illusion, whereas selling panties is very much a business transaction. When you are selling panties, buyers are looking to send you money for a product that you have advertised in a shop. Dom/me services rely on the initial money being a “tribute” or offering as a sign of their submission to you. The goal is to make yourself desirable and unattainable via an illusion that you have to create yourself, which can be really challenging, especially if you are just starting as a dom/me. I really love panty selling, and I think a lot of the skills are transferable, but it is a different game.
A: Like Marina said, I would argue that panty selling is definitely easier. It’s a more specified market AND it has designated platforms designed for business transactions. With findom/femdomme, especially on twitter, you have to create and market yourself exponentially more than you do on a platform such as Pantydeal. There is a lot more verbal interaction prior to a sale with panty selling whereas with findom specifically, if a sub approaches without a tribute, that’s an instant block.
8) Where is the best place to get started in dom/me?
A: That’s a tricky question to answer. I definitely wouldn’t start on twitter. It’s a super overwhelming platform to navigate and unless you have experience in SW, you’ll quickly get lost. Most other platforms like PD will have clients on there interested in domming. Just post in your profile that it’s a service you provide and learn and experiment there. Make sure you disclose that you are new to this. Never pretend you know what you’re doing and be transparent with subs. And DO. YOUR. RESEARCH. If a sub approaches with a fetish you have zero experience, don’t go into a session right away with them. Get advice, google it. Do something so you’re not unprepared. Exploring a fetish you don’t understand the parameters around is a sure fire ticket to harming yourself or the sub involved.
M: I would completely agree with Aislynn. If you are brand new to SW, starting off on a public platform like Twitter can be a bit daunting, and it is a very steep learning curve. Twitter is great because it has such a huge community of dom-sub services, but to both make yourself stand out AND learn as you go, I would generally not recommend that as a way to start. Platforms like Pantydeal, Scented Pansy, Panty.com, etc, all though are targeted to the panty selling/buying market, do have clients and buyers on there that would be looking for domination services. I would definitely recommend this as a way to start, and work your way towards feeling comfortable to join a more targeted market like Twitter, SextPanther, Fetlife, etc. And like Aislynn said, don’t be too eager to start! Take the time to do the research so that you can do this in both an ethical and enjoyable way, and be honest and transparent with yourself and the potential subs with hard and soft limits.
9) What are some good resources about how to dom/me?
A:
https://bound-together.net/bdsm-resources/ – great for beginners. If you’re started out you NEED to understand BDSM as a whole. FIndom is a branch of BDSM. If you go into it not understanding how to safely Domme, you’ll end up harming someone
https://www.google.ca/amp/s/lovingbdsm.kaylalords.com/2018/05/02/ssc-rack-prick/amp/ – this is a brief article explaining SSC, PRICK and RACK. Three essential acronyms for how any Domme should be conducting their practice.
https://plussizedominatrix.tumblr.com/ – I love this person tumblr. There’s a lot of vital information as well you can ask them questions anonymously and they’ll respond reasonably quick
M: Honestly, Aislynn has listed some great resources and that is an excellent place to start. I would only add to not be afraid to reach out to bigger accounts with large followings for advice. I’ve got lots of dom/mes that I have reached out to for advice and feedback, and I take inspiration from many of them in developing and discovering more about my persona and my niche in this area. Also, Aislynn and I discuss tough topics and chat about both the fun side and the challenging side of this business. We run a support chat on Twitter for those who are on that platform, and we are invested in seeing dom/mes and SWers succeed!
10) Anything else you would like to share?
M: All in all, it is important to find the joy in what you spend your time doing. Be silly, be yourself, be authentic, and find the fun as much as you can! Spend some time doing research, don’t be afraid to reach out to other dom/mes, and I definitely would recommend exploring this side of SW if you have ever had any curiosity about it!
A: I’d just reiterate what Marina said above. This is a job, but have fun with it. As long as you have a full understanding around the ethics around BDSM, be yourself and enjoy it. Make sure to be apart of the community as well. Comment on other Dommes’ posts! Support other SWers. I believe it’s a good way to get ahead and create allies in this business.