This post has been a long time coming.
It’s something I get asked about A LOT and so it’s only fitting I should write a blog post AND do a podcast episode about it.
Time-wasters, time-wasters, time-wasters…
You don’t have to have been in the used panty selling business for very long to encounter them. They are the curse of the panty seller. If you join any used panty selling platform you’ll hear other panty sellers bemoan the curse of the time waster.
But just what/who are time wasters?
Are there guys out there whose sole purpose in life is to waste your time?
How do you know if you’re dealing with one?
What’s the best way to manage the situation?
All these questions and more are about to be answered before your very eyes…
So, first thing’s first. What is a time-waster?
In the course of my interactions with other used panty sellers I get to see what most sellers class as time-wasters and I have to be honest, it appears there is a spectrum when it comes to the definition. I mean, not everyone seems to agree on what a time-waster is and a lot of buyers can get lumped in that category even if technically they aren’t (in my opinion).
For me, a time-waster is someone who has zero fucking intention of buying from me but acts as if he will. Or someone who tries to get things from me for free.
But I have seen other panty sellers claim that a guy is a time-waster when he goes through the motions and does not conclude with a purchase.
Now, I have already done a podcast on ghosting and you’ll discover that, for me anyway, I don’t count a ghoster as a time-waster. I mean, sure, you feel as though your time is wasted but if you listen to THAT podcast you’ll hear that this kind of behaviour is pretty normal across the board when it comes to online purchasing.
For me, it’s when a guy deliberately leads you up the garden path with no intention of ever buying from you.
He is looking to get something without EVER having to pay anything. Whether that’s sexting, a reaction, free pics or just simply your attention on him whilst you read his messages.
That’s my definition.
So there’s the guys who have a semblance of an intention to buy but don’t. And the guys who have zero intention to buy. Probably ever.
A guy who asks me questions and then doesn’t buy is NOT strictly speaking a time-waster. He’s a guy who decided that he didn’t want to part with his cash for my item. Whether it was too expensive or not 100% what he wanted. That’s that.
As I talked about in the episode on ghosting a certain amount of guys not following through with a purchase is ABSOLUTELY NORMAL and does not constitute time-wastery in my opinion. There has to be an element of interaction to make a purchasing decision. Dig?
Again with the analogy, you walk into the store, you ask some questions and you decide not to buy. Are you a time-waster? No. You’re a fucking customer that decided not to buy.
So let’s be clear about that.
So are there guys out there whose sole purpose in life is to log on to a platform and set out, deliberately to waste your time?
I’m gonna say yes and no. That’s not their sole purpose when they engage with you. I mean, they don’t log on saying “Now, whose time can I waste today?”. They log on to fulfil THEIR desire which is something for nothing.
Mostly they want attention or they want to get off for free. THAT is their purpose. THAT is their intention. And THAT is what they are thinking about when they log on. It could be you, it could be anybody. It might not even matter all that much. A reaction from someone. Attention from someone. A free pic even. GOLD. Job done. They’re happy. You’re feeling used and annoyed and becoming harder and more cynical with every interaction!
We, of course, see it from OUR perspective. We see that we’ve spent time chatting and that we’ve maybe even sent pictures of things they’ve asked for and it’s come to NOTHING. And our time is wasted. So we label that person a time waster. They got what they wanted and we got no compensation for providing that.
And it feels unfair.
And it IS unfair.
But you can mitigate that. (Coming to that bit below.)
The ultimate way to deal with a time-waster is to NOT FEEL AS IF YOUR TIME HAS BEEN WASTED.
Now there’s two parts to that. One, don’t tell yourself your time has been wasted. Two, don’t allow your time to be wasted. I know, easier said than done.
But following these principles has honestly saved my life.
I want to be honest here and say that YES, I get time-wasters probably once every few days. But since shifting my attitude around this whole thing and implementing strategies I’ll share with you later. I literally get a fucking fraction of the time-wasters I got before. It’s like I’m a giant time-waster repellant and I’m so thankful that most of my interactions, like say 85%, are pretty awesome.
So don’t tell yourself your time has been wasted. Don’t affirm that over and over because that kind of thinking is going to create more of the same types of experience. It’s like that old adage, you tell yourself you can or you tell yourself you can’t. Either way, you’re right. So start fucking telling yourself that you manage time-wasters with ease and no concern. That they are what they are and you don’t get bothered by them.
This is about reframing the experience.
But on a practical level, we have to make sure we literally do everything in our power to make sure that we don’t waste any more time than we have to turning a potential customer into an actual customer.
We’ll come to that.
Coming back to is it their sole intention to waste your time? No. They’re wasting their time on a platform likely messaging different sellers and potentially playing the game of ‘I’m here to buy and spend big’. And you believe them. Because, why wouldn’t you? It’s a platform for buying and selling. And some guys… well, let’s just say that we have some Oscar award level actors who could possibly convince even the seasoned panty sellers among us who have their bullshit detectors on high 24/7!
So they get good at what they do, right? Because you aren’t the first and you won’t be the last. They want the thing and they’re probably getting very good at getting it.
The good news is the longer you’re in this game and the more times you have to deal with time wasters, the EVEN MORE AMAZINGLY BETTER YOU get at spotting it and handling it before you even break a sweat over it. Sometimes you will be so proud of yourself for spotting it so soon. If you’re in a sellers KIK group you can be congratulated on your stellar time waster detection performance!
It becomes easy to differentiate between someone that wants to get to know you better to feel comfortable buying from you and someone that just wants to get off for nothing.
The first, will likely ask about you and the second will jump straight into the sex talk.
I know, like, I KNOW, when a guy is trying to get to know me better and have a conversation. I am very conversational with about ten potential buyers on platforms (I say potential because not all of them have bought) and I’m good with that. Because they are friendly, fun to talk to and I don’t mind conversing with them even though they haven’t bought from me.
Now there’s a subtle difference. There are guys who continue to strike up conversations who claim they are going to buy next week or next month or whatever and I know they won’t. They’re stringing me along to get some emotional connection need met and I’m not cool with that.
It comes down to what YOU are comfortable with.
I don’t like to be lied to or manipulated to. But if I continue to talk to a guy it’s because I like him or our conversation and it matters not if he buys from me. The connection is there.
So you see, that’s a very different communication to guys who straight away or message two or three are asking me if I like big dicks or whatever.
That guy, has no fucking interest in me or what I have to offer for sale.
Never, ever, has a guy who has engaged in sexual conversation with me at the outset bought from me.
For me, as soon as the conversation turns sexual I KNOW this is someone out to get off for free and not buy. Anyone that asks me about my sex life or what I like, is out to get off for free. No exception.
Even if the conversation starts off slow, by the third or fourth message I can normally tell whether it’s going somewhere or not and I can STEER the conversation back to the subject at hand.
This sentence “Was there something on my profile you saw you’d like” normally does the trick. Or “How can I help you today?”
If it turns sexual without my consent, I disengage. Immediately.
If you offer sexting services (I don’t) this is your opportunity to come in and state payment options to continue the conversation.
I had a guy once (when I just started selling), he wanted to buy a pair of panties and we were in touch on KIK. And he goes “So, what would you do if I was there right now?” and I said that I offer $X for sexting (I did at the time) and he said that that wasn’t sexting and couldn’t we have a conversation? So be careful with that, guys that buy something and have this expectation that you’re obligated for life because of it. Apart from anything though, he hadn’t paid and didn’t. Classic timewaster and I fell for it.
Anyone that starts with “Hi” and follows up with “How are you?” by the third message if we aren’t going somewhere, 99% of the time it’s because they want attention and my time for no compensation.
I don’t feel obligated to make conversation where there isn’t any.
If it goes along that line of hi, hi, how are you?, great, how are you? great and then there’s a blank, I just fucking leave it. I know some guys are shy but I’m not going to go through blood, sweat and tears to make a decent conversation where it clearly doesn’t fucking exist. I expect a spark with my customers or at least some semblance of communication skills. And another thing, if a guy is talking about himself for the first few messages, that’s great, but if it continues, that’s rude. I expect a guy to ask a little about me or my interests. I know, it’s not a fucking dating site but it’s just good manners. If he only wants to talk about himself, I get fucking bored (unless he’s super interesting, but still) and I start to disengage.
Great customers will want to know more about you and will want to have a bit of a chat. Unless they’re a panty buying unicorn of course!
So what do you do if you know you’re dealing with a time-waster?
It suddenly clicks and you’ve given him the benefit of the doubt but now you’re sure as fuck it ain’t going anywhere good…
Here’s what I do.
I don’t respond.
And here’s the thing:
Sometimes I REALLY want to respond. Like, if a guy is being a pain in the arse or trying to make things sexual or being disrespectful or otherwise annoying. Part of me really WANTS to respond. Part of me wants to respond to the guys who offer to move into my home and be my toilet. Part of me wants to respond to the outlandish messages that are designed to shock or offend or get a reaction from me.
Spoiler: sometimes THAT is what they want. That annoyed or irritated or shocked response. THAT FUCKING GETS THEM OFF.
It’s like trolls on the internet. Everyone knows the best way to annoy a troll is to starve it of attention.
So yes, I’m human. I want to respond.
But I don’t.
You want to know how to deal with time-wasters?
Disengage 100% in record time.
Do not engage.
Because time-wasters (guys who have zero intention of ever rewarding you for having their needs met) are like MOSQUITOES.
Let’s use this analogy.
I live in Spain. Spain is wonderful. Just like used panty selling. Used panty selling is wonderful because I get lots of perks from financial rewards to feeling confident and sexy and all pleased I get to work for myself on my own terms.
But here’s the downside to Spain. Spain has mosquitoes. And cockroaches. And they are not fucking fun. They suck your blood (mosquitoes, not cockroaches because TRAUMA!) and they are annoying and leave you with itchy marks that take days to go away.
Time wasters are mosquitoes. If you wanna live in Panty Selling World you gotta put up with the mosquitoes. Because they live there too.
They come with the territory. They fucking ARE the territory.
They are not enjoyable but they are there.
The quicker you shoo them away and do everything you can do to deter them, the better. But they won’t die out any time soon.
Here’s my top tips on deterring time wasters.
- Have all information outlined on your profile and in your shop. It means you won’t have to spend time answering questions.
- Likewise for photos. You won’t have to send more to supposed interested customers.
- Do not EVER send any sexual pics for free. Ever. EVER.
- Accept they will be there to test you.
- Do not engage in sexual chat without payment.
- If the conversation isn’t going anywhere or is going around in circles, disengage or use emojis or closed responses that don’t invite more unnecessary chit-chat.
- Be firm but fair. You are not obligated to spend lots of time communicating with people unless you are genuinely enjoying the conversation. Platforms are platforms, they are a tool for buying and selling not making friends.
- Do the ideal client exercise. Remind yourself of that every day.
- Disengage IMMEDIATELY from conversation once it becomes obvious it’s going nowhere. Do not expend any more time, energy or effort on time wasters – the way I see it, that’s sending out the wrong message to the Universe about what you’re willing to accept.
- If you have wasted time on a customer that didn’t end up buying, REFRAME it to be much needed sales and negotiating training. It’s not wasted time, you’ve honed new skills, even if those new skills are just ‘how to spot a time waster’.
I realise this has been the longest blog post ever.
I hope it helps and tune in for more chat on the podcast.
Ultimately, remember you are the one with the power.